The Female Orgasm Explored
The value of fantasy in overcoming sexual dysfunction
The first kind of fantasy not to have is a fantasy with Angeline Jolie or George Clooney, unless, of course, you're married to them. That may seem harmless, but it really is just an exercise in sexual frustration. It is like wishing you could reach an orgasm tonight. Or setting as a goal for today a full half hour of intercourse, when so far, in 25 or 30 years of life, the best you've done is three minutes. That's setting your sights way too high.
Remember the man who said about his erection problem, "During all the time that I've had this problem, the way I would handle it was to try to ignore it and hope that somehow magically it would go away"? His fantasy demanded magic.
Another man came to me complaining of diminished sexual activity. He said of his relationship with his wife, "I saw my appetite wane. What was even more disturbing was the prospect that there would come a day when it would no longer bother me that I had no sexual feeling or desire for my wife. As anticipated, that day actually did come." Of course it did.
The ones daydreaming of Raquel Welch; the ones waiting for magical cures, or pretending nothing is wrong; the ones engaged in self-fulfilling prophecy - all of these people share one thing. They are setting themselves up for failure. Their sexual fantasies are neither creative nor productive. In fact, they are counterproductive. The owners of sexual fantasies such as these cannot win.
However. Maybe men can win, regardless of their sexual fantasy. You see, their are plenty of ways men can learn to be more potent lovers. Taking advice from the seduction community is one important way of picking up great dating advice for men - you can see how this plays out here, in this Tao Of Badass review - click here to see it - (unrivalled on the internet).
MAKE IT EASY INSTEAD
Every one of the most common sexual complaints may be countered at least in part with productive fantasy, so I ask all of the people who want to create one to tell me exactly what it is they want. I ask everyone to fantasize for a moment what the ideal sexual relationship would be for you? Where are you? What time is it? Who are you with? What is happening? How does it end? The sexual fantasies I hear are wonderful.
Here's one from a woman who thought sex was dirty and who really hated doing it:
It is evening time and I am with my husband. Maybe we're just lying together on the deck of a ship, or sitting together in the sand, or running down the beach. Things like that mean a lot to me. just tender touching. Not a mind wandering on what's happening in business. Just tender looking. Tender caressing, I guess. I feel sex is a tender thing, I want it to be the gentlest thing possible.
Here's an I-come-too-fast fantasy:
The best relationships I've ever had with my wife have been in hotel rooms. She claims it's because she is out of the routine, she is more receptive. So that's the first thing ... a trip to an island, a deluxe hotel room. I'm not too particular about the time, but some of the most exciting times I've had with my wife have been after we've both had something to drink. I also enjoy sex during the day.
My wife is less tired at that time and I enjoy the visual aspects. I enjoy seeing her in the nude. I have a powerful, muscular body, which she oils and caresses, running her hands over my bulging, powerful muscles.
She likes to lick my body, the result of my body building routines. I like to enjoy a wide variety of sexual experiences. I enjoy long foreplay. I remember when we were first married she'd say, "Wouldn't you like to put your cock in me?" Obviously once I've had an orgasm my enthusiasm dwindles noticeably, so I've come to like the foreplay to run thirty minutes, forty-five minutes, an hour maybe. My wife is capable of having multiple orgasms, so in my fantasy I'd make her orgasm at least twice, once during foreplay, the other during sexual intercourse, after I enter her.
And one from a woman:
"My lover and I are hugging, kissing, touching, laughing. I see me making him ejaculate with my hands and mouth, making him feel good. And then he's doing the same to me. Then I see him entering me easily without any pain and just making love in any number of sexual positions. I don't see any particular sex positions, just doing whatever comes naturally.
What mainly is happening, though, is the total love feeling, the energy vibrations, me feeling that things are being done to me and moving freely when I feel the good feelings in my cunt. And making orgasmic sounds, and nothing feels like it's held back."
Now that's a terrific sexual fantasy. Notice, by the way, that these fantasies all have involved the person's partner. There are other fantasies which do not have the partners in them, but draw upon a wide assortment of old boy friends and old girl friends, people at work, even strangers. Jerome had been married for seven and a half years, and although he hadn't ever had sex with anyone other than his wife, he wasn't sleeping with her either. He was, in a word, bored. This was his fantasy:
"I'm on the bus and it's in the evening on the way back from work and I'm by myself. There are three or four nice-looking chicks sitting around within viewing distance. Everybody's being with themselves except this one nice-looking blonde with blue eyes. She looks up and smiles at me. I smile back at her. She turns and comes back and sits down with me.
We strike up a conversation and she says to me: "How'd you like to go to bed and fuck me?" I say, "You know I'm married." And she says, "Sure, hell..." And I say, "Great, you got your own place?" And we get off the bus and go over to her place. I'm really nervous about it, but we go in and we sit on the couch and start passionately kissing.
Her hands slide down around my waist and in between my legs and she starts to rub my penis. She starts to moan. She gets really hot. I put my hand between her legs and I feel the muscles inside of her vagina pressing against my penis as it goes in and out.
She's lying there, she's breathing as hard as she possibly can. And moaning. I just keep on going at it and going at it and going at it, until finally I feel some jerking inside of her and see that she's in absolute ecstasy, as she has an orgasm.
So I start to pump faster and I start to have an orgasm with her. I feel the sides of her vagina crushing in on me. Jesus Christ, it's just unbelievable. The way it ends ... just absolute relief, both of us just lying there after we've come in a massive climax, still part of one another, kissing and hugging and talking about the next time we'll get together again."
Some obviously have a more vivid, or detailed, imagination than others. This is most helpful, and more about that in a moment. First, the fantasies of two bored, non-orgasmic women whose partners are absent from their fantasies, too (maybe because they did not have the right kind of male body shape!)
"I fantasize about a man that we both know. He lives in San Francisco, he's Armenian, he's dark, he has a mustache. He's very masculine looking. He's very nice, he seems to be very enthusiastic about life and very happy, and he has a nice way with women. I suppose I think about going there by myself or with a girl friend and me dropping in where he works saying hello.
He asks me out to dinner that night and we go to dinner and enjoy ourselves thoroughly. Then he invites me over to his place, and the rest just naturally takes place.
It just ends in a very satisfying sexual relationship, where we're both satisfied after having sex with really fulfilling orgasms and that's it. I don't see us going any farther than that, or us becoming serious or me wanting a divorce or anything like that. I just see myself enjoying, enjoying, enjoying someone else and still staying married. I see myself having this other man for strictly sexual satisfaction and orgasm during sex pleasure."
"I'm in some kind of meadow where there are trees and flowers and high grass and the sun is just going down. Ifs between light and darkness, where everything is soft and shadowed. Normally I enjoy having sex much more in the dark. I'm there with Rick, who is the guy that I had this one sexual experience with.
We're running through the tall grass playing hide-and-seek and tag and laughing and giggling. It's in a place where nobody can find us. There's no fear of being discovered. The sun is beginning to set. Finally we just fall down in the grass and we start kissing, hugging, caressing. And then we get undressed. There's no time consideration.
We can take as long as we want. We kiss and laugh and hug and finally we start to have oral sex - he gives me head - then I give him head - and we do that for a while. I'm getting excited because of the fellatio. He penetrates me. Together we go back and forth and I reach orgasm while he is in me and then he shouts out and arches his back as he comes massively inside me. The two of us just stay there for a while like that, and fall asleep in each other's arms."
MAKING FANTASY REAL: PUTTING IT TO WORK
For some people, fantasy involves the suspension of belief. They say to accept something like Santa Claus you have to abandon reality. I recognize that point of view. But I believe that it is just as valid to regard sexual fantasies as real, rather than a pleasant hoax. The way to make them real, of course, is to put the lovely little things to work for you.
For example, a legal secretary named Beverly said she was unable to orgasm with her husband, although she told me that she could do so alone. I suggested that she might continue to masturbate and when she neared the moment of orgasm she might begin to imagine that her partner was in the room with her. This would allow her partner to come close to her, in fantasy, at her most intimate moment. And that might be as much as she might wish to try to achieve in the first session.
In the second session of masturbation, I suggested, she might now wish to carry the fantasy a step farther and permit her fantasy partner to substitute his fingers for her own on her clitoris and in her vagina.
And in the third session Beverly was urged to allow her partner's penis to take the place of his hand. I assured her that there needn't be any actual sexual penetration yet; the fantasized penis would remain outside, massaging the vaginal lips and clitoris. As before, with this fantasy in mind, Beverly was to stimulate herself to orgasm. For the fourth masturbation session, I suggested that Beverly's fantasy might be extended to involve her partner's beginning sexual intercourse at the moment she reached orgasm manually.
Then I told Beverly that after she'd had these "warm up" sessions (sexual rehearsals), she might repeat each step, masturbating with her partner actually present, making her fantasies come true by involving him as orgasm approached. I assured her that she could feel awkward about masturbating in her partner's presence initially. I pointed out that many, many men and women pleasured themselves together, often continuing to orgasm. Men often used certain preparations to delay orgasm, including an anesthetic lotion called stud 100.
At first, Beverly was reluctant to do this, but soon she realized that there really were no rules in sex, so long as everyone was responsible.
"Besides," I said, "how else is Ted going to know exactly what turns you on most unless you show him?"
Beverly followed the suggestions perfectly until she got to step three, where Ted was supposed to refrain from sexual intercourse. He couldn't hold back and she couldn't hold back and she experienced an orgasm with her partner, ahead of schedule.
Others have accelerated the program in the same way, accomplishing their goal of orgasm-during-intercourse in as few as one or two sessions. Some seem to have gotten over much of the problem just by hearing Beverly's story. Psychologists sometimes call the process I used with Beverly "masturbatory conditioning".
This is a procedure based on classical conditioning principles, where in this instance the person learns to associate orgasm with her partner's gradually increased participation. It is important to notice that in each session, Beverly rewarded herself for including her partner in her fantasy.
And what did she do to reward herself? She gave herself an orgasm, which is the most positive reinforcing event available to a human. There is nothing in the human sexual experience that feels better. So anything you associate with orgasm is probably going to feel good, too.
It works. Even in the more unusual cases it works. Colin said he was a "driven homosexual," and that his midnight cruising of the city's gay baths was destroying a marriage he wished to preserve. (His wife worked at night, which gave him this freedom of movement.) Also, loss of sleep was causing him to fall behind at work.
"Guilt is my middle name," he said. As it happened, his fantasy was a lovely one, calling for him to please and satisfy his wife as well as himself, heterosexually. I suggested that it was OK to have gay relationships if he wanted to, and maybe the next time he might wish to get a picture of that fantasy, get a picture of satisfying his wife and himself through intercourse at the moment he reached a climax with another male.
"No matter how it happens, through fellatio or by hand or anally, whatever it is you do," I said, "when you reach orgasm, get a picture of doing that with your wife." He did and in less than a month he stopped his midnight cruising. An 18-month follow-up confirmed the productive fantasy's effectiveness.
BE SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT
Some of the fantasies excerpted in this chapter are extremely detailed. They are the best kind. The characters you remember in books (or movies) are the ones whose personalities are best defined. In situations that you remember well, you can probably remember the color of the walls, the weather, the clothes you were wearing, even the smells you smelled. So make your fantasies vivid, personal, detailed.
Where are you? Are you on a beach, in a hotel room, or running through tall grass, as some of the productive daydreamers above? When it comes time to make fantasy real, the proper setting could be the factor that makes fantasy reality. What time is it? A fantasy that takes place at sunset will become reality most easily at approximately the same time.
What is happening? Are the kids asleep or somewhere else, giving you the freedom you want? Is there a romantic meal, is there some good wine? Do you talk first? What, specifically, do you say to your partner? Who makes the first move? What happens first? What happens next?
The idea is that if the fantasy is "almost real," the transfer to reality will be easier. How many of us have been awakened from deep sleep by a dream so vivid that we say it was the dream that woke us up? Creating a productive sexual fantasy is creating that kind of dream - a daydream so real it wakes us up.